Ay, There's the Crush

What to do this week, plus (oooOOoooh) a crush!

Image by Mayur Gala for Unsplash. Also it kind of looks like a shimmering butthole. Makes you think.

Hello, angels and demons. It is December. There’s a full moon on Wednesday at 11:08 p.m. East! I wish I could beam myself on a carbon neutral private jet to my friends’ holiday parties in Los Angeles and Houston and Milwaukee-adjacent and various small towns! But it is a very good thing to be alive in New York City today, or at least that’s what I told my journal this morning as I tried to ease my own anxiety about life.

I will tell you about a bit of my morning, and then get into this week’s recommendations and writing exercise. After that, there’s an essay for paid subscribers only, and ooh yes, it is about crushes!

On to my morning.

Have you ever noticed that sometimes talking to a friend about their stuff gets you out of your head about your own stuff? And how sometimes, if you’re willing to share a little of your stuff, it helps them feel a little better and maybe offer you some advice or just a listening ear? It reminds me of how the late, great Leslie Jordan talked about being of service in his community and beyond.

It can also help to tell strangers about your stuff, through art or other means, with appropriate boundaries and discretion, of course. In that sense the telling becomes a performance, but that doesn’t mean it is inauthentic.

In semi-related news, it was a real joy last week to get to share my episode of the podcast Meditative Story. Some people even listened and said nice things to me about it, which I never expect anyone to actually do. Anyway, the episode is sort of about comedy, but also gets into issues around feeling anxious, depressed, and untethered, but also feeling happy and quietly relieved, and how stopping something can be as good for you as starting it was, and I hope you listen and like it.

My nerves were jangly today. But thankfully, I was also able to call, email, and text with a few friends. That, along with yoga, meditation, and a walk all helped. A little coffee did, too, as did emergency support pizza, as did completing some emails that had been hanging over my head.

Here’s some stuff that helps, or just stuff that I like. If you are having a hard time, too, I hope these things help. Thanks for being here.

Recommendations

None of this is sponsored, by the way. I just like what I like! If I ever get sponsored by, say, the Mall at Short Hills in New Jersey (A DREAM!) I will of course tell you.

The Small Bow - This newsletter helps.

Yoga with Adriene - Adriene helps.

How to Fight by Thích Nhất Hạnh - We are lucky to have spent some time on the planet while he was here.

Mari Naomi - Mari is a wonderful writer and comic artist. We’ve met a few times but I always hope I will get to spend more time with them in future, not just at work stuff (or at work stuff but also with friend time).

Meditative Story featuring me! - Please do check out this beautifully produced, 34 minute episode of the mindfulness podcast Meditative Story, from some former members of the TED team. I’ve listened to a few episodes, and so far my favorites are with Michael Imperioli, Sharon Salzberg, and Randall Park. It was a big honor to get to tell a story of my own. And I really enjoyed being in the studio at Trout Recording in Prospect Heights, Brooklyn. If you want me to narrate or do v.o. work for something, or, y’know, write or act for money/free Charlotte Tilbury makeup, contact info for my reps is here.)

“Going the Distance” - my latest essay for Pipe Wrench magazine, a National Magazine Award nominee in its very first year of publication!

“Anger and the Sacred Pause” - the latest episode of my public podcast “Well, This Isn’t Normal.” I am not used to talking about anger, or admitting I’m angry, so this is me trying to fumble my way into greater understanding of what I see as my shadow side. Maybe you can relate. Or maybe you’re the opposite of me in this regard, like a lot of my friends are! Sometimes we can be complementary in this strange and interesting way.

This Sarah McLachlan winter album that always makes me lose it in a good way - You know, this one.

Fat and the Moon Eye Coal - Well, this is pleasantly weird!

Los Angeles Public Library Store - The (I assume) queer radical chocolate fiend activists at this place have really assembled an excellent array of gifts. Maybe they are all straight, I don’t know, I’m proud of their choices no matter what. I already sent one friend a Dodger Stadium candle. Another friend is getting hilarious socks! It’s good for the library. Help the library and buy something cool.

LA County Store - This is not actually run by the County of Los Angeles, but by my friend MaryAnne! It’s doing business online, though the brick-and-mortar shop on Sunset Boulevard closed in 2020, after six years of IRL awesomeness. All of her items are made by folks in Los Angeles County.

Miracle Balm by Jones Road Beauty - If you want to see me losing it over a beauty product on a reel on Instagram, be my guest. Anyway, it’s good shit. This is Bobbi Brown’s company, btw, so I shouldn’t be surprised it’s of high quality.

ICYMI: “Motherhood and Other Mysteries” - a public essay originally posted on Medium, reposted on Substack and Patreon. It’s about parenting, grief, loss, Greek mythology, pomegranates, caregiving, friendship and other things.

Writing Advice

Just know that you’re taking wisdom from a woman who cuts the collars off all her dusty shirts.

Imagine you get to convene a council of the wisest life advisors you can possibly imagine. The scope of their work needn’t “only” include spirituality, religion, or philosophy. Think of people, alive or dead, real or imaginary, who embody excellent qualities.

You don’t need to know these people. Maybe you’ll include your beloved grandmother, but also His Holiness the 14th Dalai Lama, and also the poet Rumi, and also Rumi Carter, also Sir Carter, and your neighbor two doors down, and whoever else.

Maybe you’d be embarrassed to show them your writing (or other art). That’s fine. In this dream world we are building, these folks are here to encourage you with kind words about what you’ve made. They don’t think your work is embarrassing. They like it. You still with me? Okay.

Write the names down. Pick five or six names if you can. Now imagine each one of them has something positive to say about your writing or other artwork. What would they say? You are not allowed to push back at them. You just have to accept the compliment that Big Bird and Kareem Abdul-Jabbar and Gandalf and your childhood guinea pig and the dudes in Dead Prez and Dolly Parton and Boutros Boutros-Ghali are giving you in your head, okay?

Write these compliments down.

Now re-read them to yourself.

Congrats, these are the nice things you think about your work when you actually let yourself get out of your own fucking way. You’ve got an inner compassionate coach as well as an inner critic. Who knew?

The inner critic seems to get the spotlight pretty often. I see so many memes and essays about dealing with your inner critic. But we each have a loving inner coach, too. Sometimes their voice is very small and nearly impossible to hear. That’s just because we don’t give them enough attention! Try giving your inner coach some love now and again.

Essay: Just a Little Crush

Many years ago, my friend Robert Hack kindly took this photo of me by Iconic Pinups and added a Minion. I should be honest and admit I had asked people on Twitter to add Minions to cheesecake photos of me. I forget why.

I have a crush on somebody. I’ve nursed it for years, through other committed and uncommitted relationships, through flings and one-night stands and friends-with-benefits arrangements, through stretches of celibacy and times when I was hooking up with relative frequency.

I’ve had crushes on a few people during this time, and even thought I was in love with one person. But those other dream worlds faded, or least lost their lustre (and lust) over time. Nevertheless, this fucking crush persisted.

It’s been there, somewhere in the back of my mind, during the lonely moments and the blissfully alone moments, of the past couple years.

I should add that we are friends, although not close friends, and that I have no idea or indication that they are attracted to me. They have good boundaries. They are unfailingly polite, and they have always been in a relationship when I was single, or vice versa.

I should probably check to see if they subscribe to this newsletter before I go on. Maybe it would be a relief if they figured it out and talked to me about it. Maybe it would be terribly embarrassing. Anyway, they’re not the type to recognize themselves in a compliment - which is, I suppose, yet another thing I find annoyingly lovable about them.