Croissant Cereal & My Met Gala Look
An extra Saratonin issue bc why not?
Hello darlings. It’s raining in New York City and I do so hope our most precious humans (symmetrical-faced celebrities) don’t have to endure the horror of a downpour on Monday at the Met Gala. But I have to show you the look my team and I have cooked up for the Met this year!
Now if you want the real deal coverage you’ll have to follow primary breaking news sourceon this current Internet, as I am merely a fucking fool with a yearlong Metropolitan Museum of Art membership that I bought when I was with one of my hot friends. Museums are highly problematique and also I adore the Met, so like all my romantic relationships, it’s complicated!!!
From the mixed-up files of my closet to yours, here are the elements of my Met Gala 2023 ensemble, because I’m so honored to get to celebrate Karl Lagerfeld with all my best friends (models, pop stars, prestige streaming actors of the moment, and Jack Harlow.)
This Bruce Springsteen hat
Should I disclose to Anna that this is actually a hat by N.B. Goods of Nashville, inspired by an unjust DUI charge to the king of my home state, or should I just let her believe it is vintage Chanel? I just know Edward Enninful will notice but he and I have an agreement after an incident we’ve both agreed to never speak about again (but my soul will remember it longingly forever.) That’s all I’m saying!!!!
Karl Lagerfeld for John Fetterman, 2023 Cruise Collection
Karl Lagerfeld was surely (sincere moment alert) one of the most extraordinary, influential, and magnificent artists of our era.
(Okay, the sincere moment is over.)
The fact that he passed away in 2019 did not stop him from anonymously (unconfirmed) designing (pending fact-check review) this T-shirt which reads STEEL IS FORGED IN FIRE. I know it’s hard to see, God made it impossible for me to do the haute couture runway modeling that best fits my personality so I make do by dominating editorial and catalogue.
The first item that popped up when I Google image searched “pants”
These are ugly but fashion isn’t just about looking good.
This mermaid tail sock blanket me and my friend Bonnie Burton found for $10 unused wrapped in plastic at an HIV/AIDS charity shop in Silver Lake when I lived there before my home got invaded by a rat family and I moved to Eagle Rock and then New Jersey and then Brooklyn
I will also be wearing the sleep bra but no one will see it at the Met Gala because it will be under the T-shirt Karl Lagerfeld’s eternal spirit designed for the senator from Pennsyvlania.
I’m not going to ruin my life in front of La La Anthony and also Jack Harlow by trying to fit MY SPARKLY MERMAID FIN into some conventional notion of “footwear”!!!!!
This 2012 makeup look by Lisa Eldridge…
…layered OVER this 2023 makeup look by Alexandra Anele.
I will not do my hair but I will bring extra product for Jack Harlow.
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LIVE EVENT! MAY 9th! 7 PM! BROOKLYN! I’m joining my friend Brianna Holt to discuss her new book “In Our Shoes” in a fancy French bakery, L'Appartement 4F. I’m thrilled. Here’s the ticket link. Each ticket gets you wine, bread, and cheese! There’s a higher price ticket that also gets you the book.
This place has fucking CROISSANT CEREAL. It sells out real fast because they make every tiny croissant by hand, but still. Please book me to do events in your carbohydrate-based establishments.
FYI there’s a new episode of the patrons-only podcast The Audio Letter over on Patreon as we speak. Thanks to patrons and paid Substack subscribers for helping me keep the lights on, and also to everybody else for reading these chaotic diurnal emissions.
I’m cooking up a brand new public podcast as we speak (only patrons know its name) but until then, please enjoy various episodes of my stress relief podcast Well, This Isn’t Normal. It does not include any interviews with Jack Harlow but I feel certain he will do an interview for the new podcast.
Okay this was a fun Friday night experience. I hope you enjoyed this extra issue of SARATONIN. I’m going to soak my 42.5-year-old human body in Epsom salts and water now.