Funny (or Die)

A reflection as we head toward the DNC

Rendering of Great Chicago Fire by John R. Chapin via Wikipedia

I was speaking to a friend recently about how I used to do a lot of political comedy online, onstage, and on television, way back in my late twenties and early thirties. And I offered up a thought that occurred to me suddenly: “I realize now I got used to rape threats and death threats. I would say, 'Well, you don't get the haters unless you've got an audience, and the fans are much more numerous and kinder than the cruel people.'"

That was true, but still. I've never really considered how dark and sad that was or is. I got USED TO being threatened with bodily harm; to being cursed out; to having my face and weight and hair and body judged, sometimes quite cruelly. I was accustomed to it. It was part of the gig.

When I got sober, things that were previously tolerable to me became intolerable. In part this is because I did not have the anesthetic effect of alcohol to rely on. I rarely, if ever, performed drunk, but I knew that if anything in the day troubled me, I could come home to the comforting numbness of bourbon (or go to a party and find it there.)

It is hard to explain how you come to understand things differently once you've got some sobriety under your belt. I am tentative about this, at least about speaking on it publicly, because I know that in ten years (if I get ten more years sober, Lord willing, one day at a time) I may look back at this post and go, "Oh good God, you were a baby. You knew so little!"

And I don't want to ever, ever attempt to posit myself as an expert on this subject. If I repeatedly state that I'm not an expert on anything other than my own experience (and that's often in doubt!) it is because it is important to me to not turn anybody off from a choice or lifestyle that might be good for them. If I blather on pretending to be Queen Sober and you think I'm a piece of shit, it doesn't make sobriety seem very attractive to you. And what if you need to be sober to survive?

It's all rather intense, you see.

At this point in my life, I have learned that some things have quite a lot to do with me and most things have nothing at all to do with me.

I needed to slow down in my late thirties after a lifetime of going fast and trying to achieve this, that, or the other thing and then OOH! WHAT’S THAT SHINY NEW GOAL? I WANT THAT TOO! Now I’m 43 and I’m being more creative with performance again, having fun playing in old sandboxes but in a new way. I just signed with agents for TV/film and commercial acting, something I’d never done before. I am hopeful and excited and fortunate and grateful.

But that is a positive addition to an already good life, not the brass ring or big goal. It doesn’t mean I’m a better or more interesting person. Years ago, I would’ve thought so. And that’s sad, too.

It is good to live long enough to unlearn some things that did not protect me or help me stay steady. I have been fortunate to live many lives in one life and I am glad to be here with you all, interested in things unfolding, and quieter than I used to be.

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An earlier version of this post was shared on my Patreon, where I often work out rough ideas and share photos, a patrons-only podcast, and more.