Let's Be Grandparents First: June Bonus Post #1
It's called manifestation, and we are doing it!
I have lately been thinking about what a great grandma I would make. I understand that I may appear to be referencing my potential future as a great-grandmother. I would also be fabulous at that! But first, let us discuss why being a grandparent is almost certainly superior to being a parent.
To be clear, I am not on track to be the biological parent of any human. I always felt that if it were meant to occur, it would, and part of that process would be me making sure it happened. If I did not feel the inclination to make it happen, well, surely it was not meant to happen at all!
There are always wild plot twists in life, and in fact one of my hottest friends was conceived by surprise when her mom was 43, an age I shall be turning (Lord willing and the creek don’t rise) in October. If you get knocked up in your forties, will your child scientifically be better-looking than everyone else? Based on my sample size of one friend, yes!
But I have never met someone with whom I felt I had a strong enough relationship to co-parent a child. Also, getting my pussy and possibly anus blown out by a screaming human future cadaver just sounds gross. Why were they in there in the first place? How did they get there? We may never know.
Plus, I’m supposed to give birth to something that will one day, hopefully in like a gazillion years, just die anyway? And I will probably be dead by that point so I’ll have to greet them in Heaven? How does that conversation even go? Awkward!
Of course, they could also be extracted through my physical belly, which is amazing and also insane. Imagine cutting through muscles to take somebody out of there, only for them to eventually eat all my snacks and tell me I gave them trauma by not being present enough when they came out as bad at math! I don’t think so, Tiny Darryl! Shut up and make me a mai tai!
I am sober, so it would be a virgin mai tai - or would it? Perhaps Tiny Darryl would spike it with some sort of Everclear (the drink, not the band!) Why does Tiny Darryl want me to drink?
Instead of somebody throwing their junk up inside me, I could adopt. Or I could use a surrogate. But I’d still get a Tiny Darryl, with his nefarious plans.
Parenting sounds disgusting. But being a grandparent - darling, I was born old. I am ready. And perhaps you are, too.
I have made a list of reasons why I would like to be a grandparent instead of being a parent. They are as follows.
I enjoy watching television and calling it “my stories.”
I don’t want to pay for a child’s schooling.
I don’t want to pay for a child’s food.
I don’t want to pay for a child’s doctor’s visits.
I do want to take the accumulated sum of the aforementioned parental bills and instead put it toward buying children’s affection with grandparental gifts!
I don’t want to talk to a kid every day or even every week. Parents have to do that, legally, probably. Once or twice a month is fine. Holidays are great.
When I take care of a child, I want it to be understood that yes, I am babysitting. Give me kudos. Give me free dinner at the Olive Garden. Give me rewards.
It is easier to get a funny reaction out of people when you do a swear if you are a grandparent.
I think about death all the time, and grandparents are expected to talk about death more than everybody else, so this would work for me.
Scorpios make ideal grandparents: loyalty, fondness for keeping secrets, propensity for discussing death all the time in the above-mentioned manner.
I like cats. A cat is a good companion for a grandparent.
I like dogs. Dogs are also good companions for grandparents, and keep us walking and moving in our old age.
I love money. I would like to accumulate a lot of it and then leave it to a grandchild instead of a child.
I am not good with numbers, and would like to blame that on my elder status versus never having been good with numbers.
I am reaching the end of my interest in learning new technologies, which feels appropriate for a grandparent. I would prefer to have my grandchildren just do the technologies for me.
I would like to take up painting and crossword puzzles, grandparent activities that make people smile gently and say, “She’s really working on her mental acuity and flexibility, she’s still curious about the world, what a mind and heart she has!” versus “Sara isn’t fucking anybody at the moment so I guess she found another random hobby.”
I would like for my rambling, unhinged stories to be officially dubbed “wisdom” and to induce people to pay attention, nodding politely.
It would be fun to dress the kids up.
The same old man nephew circa 2017 I would like cheesy grandparent swag like a purple sweatshirt that says “Cuz I’m the Meemaw, That’s Why!” in gold glitter Comic Sans font.
It would be fun to be vicious at bingo for no reason.
If you agree with me on all of this, you are correct and right and should leave your own pro-grandparenthood reasons in the comments.
If you disagree with me on this, you are wrong and should buy a paid subscription to make up for your sins! Alternately, do your penance by joining my Patreon!
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Have a grandmotherly day!