MOMMY'S FROOLIDAY GORFT GRIDE
Buy things! Buy them!
It is Time of Holidays, and that means we SHOP. Over at Wonkette, I’ve already detailed the most redonkular things the NY Times wants us to buy (“You need zero of these objects.”) And on my Patreon, I’ve done a rather more sincere look at some indie publications and shops that might merit thine support.
I’m paying for a bigass move and also cat food and also clean yet sensual underpants etc. To receive new posts and support my work, consider becoming a free or paid subscriber.
But this is SARATONIN, a newsletter on Substack, and therefore we need a WHOLE NEW GIFT GUIDE over HERE.
BUY ALL OR SOME OF THESE THINGS OKAY GOOD YES
A paid subscription to this Substack: The greatest gift of all!
Aspirational magazines you’ll only occasionally read when taking a long shit or hanging in the bathtub (hopefully these are NOT THE SAME OCCURENCE): I’m talking about your Dwells, your Architectural Digests, your Martha Stewart Livings. Has anything important ever been published in the pages of these dentist’s office wonders? No, and nothing important ever will be published in them. That’s why they are fun. Dwell will tell you how rich white people in their thirties fearlessly gave up their Williamsburg loft to live full-time in a repurposed shipping container on a 50,000 acre parcel of land in Idaho owned by the man’s archconservative grandmother who regularly donates to antiabortion causes but don’t worry, they are thin and they compost on their “farm.”
Architectural Digest is the series bible for their YouTube series, “Rich People Invite You In To An Unrealistically Staged Home And Only Rarely Credit The Stager Or Designer.” It’s the reason the inescapable poetic line “Hey, AD. Welcome to my bungalow in Laurel Canyon!” was invented.
Martha Stewart Living is a sex book by a sexual icon. Sometimes, there are pheasants.
Venmo me a tip: A fun choice for people who simply don’t want to become a paid subscriber but simply do wish to support this madness. I am moving to the shores of Lake Michigan so that I can further confuse the U.S. Postal Service, you could buy me bamboo toilet paper as a housewarming gift!
Donate to INARA: Founded by a former senior correspondent at CNN, INARA is a great organization filling in the medical gaps for children in conflict-affected areas around the globe. Right now they’re hard at work in Gaza, Ukraine, and plenty of places that gain far less attention from TV news and newspapers. After the international media coverage goes away, children traumatized and injured by bombs and bullets still need long-term care - counseling, reconstructive surgery, and much more. INARA helps them access it.
Subscribe to some great Substacks: This is only a partial list of ones I read, but(the reason I saw Rachel at my long-beloved Carrie Lindsey Beauty this week - thank you Hunter, we both spoke very highly of your work!) (Z I sadly accidentally ripped your posters during my recent move but I preordered the deck from Chronicle!) (duh) are all well worth your time and monies!
Support a girl or nonbinary person on OnlyFans: The girls and enbys are working hard! Pay for your porn! I guess you could pay a cis dude too. I mean, the people need money!
Kick some cash to the PayPal or Venmo of the person you watch on YouTube: Your ASMRtist isn’t tapping those little combs and crystals for FUN! They need to make a buck, too. Send a tip to the woman who taught you how to contour your temples!
BUY SOMETHING FROM A LOCAL CRAFT FAIR: Bonus points if it’s kinda of janky and made by a child! A manger made out of popsicle sticks with a creepy Sculpee Baby Jeebus? I want it!
Take good care, I love you, I like you, more soon!