Solitude vs. Self-Isolation

I have not been sleeping properly. I have, however, been enjoying watching the green leaves across the street yellow into their retirement. I am alone, but not lonely - though I have known the gifts of loneliness, too.

I struggle sometimes with the idea of solitude versus isolation. In this case I mean chosen solitude versus chosen self-isolation, with my understanding being that the former can be quite healthy for the spirit and mind and the latter can be quite awful.

I know there are in-betweens and nuances here, but I have often been prone to thinking of this issue as follows: being busy and going out among people is indicative of a healthy life; choosing alone-ness and being quiet is indicative of ill health and impending mental collapse, unless one is working on a business or other money-making project (when I was younger, this would’ve been an educational project.)

I was raised in an environment of sometimes-dangerous emotional extremes and great big mood swings. Panic attacks, depression and physical illness were the only things that could stop me. They were the only tolerable reasons to stop, I think. The kindness I received when experiencing them was borne of an empathy and compassion from the people who raised me, as they knew some of that pain, themselves.

And yet, once everyone was feeling better, it was back to the grind, back to the races, back to doing, doing, doing. I think that if I’d had children of my own when I was in my twenties or early thirties, I likely would’ve taught them the same habits.

Do you relate to that, at all? I hope not, but I know that many of you probably do. It’s kind of like the upbringing I had mimicked a lot of unhealthy lessons from American overculture: work your ass off, and don’t stop to contemplate whether it’s worth it. Don’t check your gut feeling. You are a mind that ought to stay sharp inside a body that ought to look good forever. You can rest when you’re dead.

My adult life has often involved learning how to pace myself in advance of the flu or, say, suicidal ideation. Other adults have been my great teachers in this.

One thing I know for sure: you can hit the healthy balance for you on a given day, week, or month, but soon you’ll need to adjust.