Pick A Celebrity Ghost Lover

The Holy Ghost counts!

I think I would look like this as a horny ghost, but my eyebrows would be fuller.

Welcome, one and all, to the first official SARATONIN of Spooky Season! Virgo season (8/23 - 9/22), also known as pre-pre-Scorpio season, is the official start of Spooky Season. And we are gonna pick your Celebrity Ghost Lover.

First, let me emphasize: Virgo season is when everybody with a goddamn SOUL starts thinking about Halloween more than they usually do during Ordinary Time (when we just think about Halloween once a day.)

As a Spooky Scientist with a Virgo rising, Scorpio sun, and Taurus moon, I feel very comfortable and luxuriant in springtime but I LOVE LOVE LOVE the autumn. The old Celtic festival of Lughnasadh or Lunasa is on August 1, and that’s the first harvest. Honestly, I believe autumn starts that day. But SPOOKY season just started on August 23. This is the Unified Calendar of SARATONIN, which is sexier than the Gregorian calendar. ANYWAY.

Spooky Season is Horny Season. Now let’s discuss the concept of a Celebrity Ghost Lover.

Famously, my dead celebrity boyfriend is Frederick Law Olmsted (1822-1903).

Is there a ghost whom you would certainly consensually agree to let throw it up in you? Imagine a dead famous person you’d absolutely let hit it. Jesus counts. So do all the other deities who supposedly actually walked the planet. The only rule is that once they were allegedly human, and now they are definitely not alive on the planet in human bodies.

I have made zero secret of my romantic attachment to Central Park co-designer Frederick Law Olmsted (see “Fred and Me,” a 2020 essay I wrote explaining our relationship that exists only in my head). Here’s a cute little quote about me talking about how he ran medical services for the Union Army once he got bored making parks for a minute:

He was responsible for the creation of sanitation protocols that saved countless lives. He oversaw the construction and management of floating hospitals on ships. He personally helped treat wounded soldiers during the Peninsula Campaign. He supervised the nurses and surgeons who, often improvising as they went, developed the foundation of modern trauma medicine. He saw soldiers endure amputations with and without anesthesia. He kept relentless hours, always trying to improve outcomes, always working harder and harder.

Sorry if sanitation protocols don’t get you horned up, but I guess it’s my Virgo rising LOLOLOL! Anyway, I’ve put together a poll of dead people for you to fantasize about. But I also invite you to leave your ideas in the comments. This is an extremely silly post, but also? It’s spooky season, and that’s also silly season.